


Kili's Friends are Assholes

by bloatedblond



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: FiKi December Challenge, Humor, Kili's friends love him but he tries to ignore it sometimes, M/M, cause they drive him crazy, even if they mean well, just a cute little story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-27
Updated: 2015-12-27
Packaged: 2018-05-09 15:39:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5545529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bloatedblond/pseuds/bloatedblond
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kili’s friends were all assholes. His family were all assholes. He was completely surrounded by assholes. Good thing he had long ago made peace with the fact that his life was full of assholes – and not the kind he preferred either.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kili's Friends are Assholes

Kili’s friends were all assholes. His family were all assholes. He was completely surrounded by assholes. Good thing he had long ago made peace with the fact that his life was full of assholes – and not the kind he preferred either.

This most recent example of everyone in his life being assholes started yesterday, the first day of the Spring semester. Since it was still cold as shit, Kili had decided, almost at the last minute as he ran out the door in a vain attempt to be on time, that it would be a good day to wear pants. The cold aside, it turned out to also be a good day to wear pants because Kili had seen _him_ in his English Literature class.

Kili had stumbled into a seat next to Ori with minutes to spare and had immediately spotted him. Blond, sitting a couple of rows in front of him, and seemingly shining from an inner light in the dull lecture hall. Kili had been completely entranced by the long, golden, wavy hair and shoulders broad to the point of distraction. So of course, Ori had noticed and of course, Ori had then proceeded to tell everyone that ever knew of Kili’s existence that _Kili had a crush_.

_Kili’s friends were all assholes_.

It didn’t help that after class Ori announced that he signed them both up for a study group – with _him_. Kili could only groan as Ori walked away giggling maniacally.

 

****

 

After ignoring all text messages, emails, and phone calls since his British Lit class yesterday, Kili walks into his favorite coffee shop bright and early with a phone constantly notifying him of life outside his own bubble. He sees Tauriel waiting for him just inside the door and greets her with a smile. At least he would until he sees the smile she wearing. _Damn_ _it_!

“How goes it this morning, lover boy?” Tauriel practically purrs at him with a smirk.

“Really, that’s what you’re going with?”

“Aw, come on, Kili. Let me have my fun.” She tries to ruffle his hair like she has since they met in kindergarten and he expertly avoids her evil hands.

They head up to the counter and place their orders and Kili tries not to laugh when Tauriel orders what has to be the most sickeningly sweet coffee in all of creation.

“You’re like a walking, talking, gay stereotype, I swear.” He can’t help but comment. “You don’t understand my daily struggle. I feel so alone.”

“Drama Queen.” She retorts while giving him a Look. “You’re just jealous that I’m not so full of hidden masculine pride to order a fabulous coffee. You’ve never even tasted it.”

"Fine, let me taste it."

"Oh, I see. You make fun but now you want me to give you some? I don’t see that going well for you.”

"I'm giving you the opportunity to make me look like an ass and you're passing on it?"

"You make an ass of yourself just fine on your own. You don’t need my help."

“Remind me why I am friends with you again?”

“I help you with your self-esteem issues.”

Kili chokes on his own spit at her comment as she just smiles sweetly at him. He snatches her coffee cup and takes a sip only to find it remarkably good. In fact, he is wonders how he has allowed himself to miss out on what is basically warm chocolate, caramel, and whipped cream as a daily beverage.

He passes it back to her with a shrug. “Okay, it’s not bad."

"Not bad,” She gives him a look that says she can’t believe she has to deal with his shit. “I would like a formal apology, please."

"I am terribly sorry for laughing at your coffee, can you find it in your heart to forgive me?" He replies dryly, making Tauriel laugh and shake her head.

"I think I can, yes."

"You're too kind."

“I know. I expect details of your first date with your new crush immediately upon its completion.”

Kili again chokes on his own spit.

 

****

 

After avoiding his friends with surprising success, Kili survives the first week of the new semester. He doesn’t have to worry about the stupid study group Ori signed him up for until next week so at least he has the weekend to try and mentally prepare himself.

He has seen the blond literally all over campus this past week. It seems like every time he turns a corner, or walks down the street, or goes into a local eatery, the blond is there. Kili manages to avoid actually speaking to the blond by a series of clever ducking maneuvers that he is sure go unseen. Each time he has seen the blond however, he has been struck by the idea that he looks absolutely edible and then is subsequently horrified at the idea. And well, also intrigued, but no one needs to know that.

Kili sighs and resolves to not think about the blond at all for the entire weekend. He is determined to relax, get an early start on some upcoming assignments, and enjoy his mother’s cooking with absolutely no blond haired, blue eyed distractions.

 

****

 

Standing on the front steps of his childhood home after a three hour car ride being nearly assaulted by his mother is not how Kili thought the visit home would start. He is only a couple of inches taller, but it is still enough that his mother complains about how tall he is every time he comes home as she cups his face in her hands and kisses his cheeks and forehead repeatedly until he starts protesting.

"Mom!"

"I missed you so much, darling."

"Yeah, I missed you too, but you’re acting weird."

"Well, I'm not sorry for loving you or for missing you. Deal with it."

"I was just home two weeks ago at Christmas. Can we please go inside? It's cold out."

"You're only cold because you're not wearing a coat."

"I've been in the car all day, Mom. I’m not going to put my coat back on just to walk in the house."

She smirked at him and squeezed his shoulders, pulling a huge grin as she looks him over again. “Did you bring any pictures?” she asks excitedly.

"Pictures of what?"

“Of your boyfriend, Kili! Really, I swear.” She tuts and pushes him into the house. “I’ve heard all about him from Ori. I was expecting pictures from you.”

Kili's mouth falls open and he looks from her to his dad, who is looking at him with a smug grin on his face, and then back to his mom again.

"I don’t have a boyfriend!"

"Well, that’s not what I’ve heard!"

Kili could see his Dad having a hard time containing his laughter and he groans. This is going to be a much longer weekend than he had been expecting.

 

****

 

By Sunday afternoon, Kili is convinced that the universe hates him and that he must have been a complete dick in his past life to deserve the torment he is tormented with in this life. A whole weekend of his mother berating him about the lack of pictures of his “boyfriend” and going on and on about how she was so sure that she raised him to be more considerate of his mother’s feelings, etc. and Kili was nearly ready to pull out his own hair. Individually. With tweezers.

"Do you need a hug?" Gimli drawls as he slouches on the couch next to Kili.

"No."

"Bullshit. You're just in denial."

"Gimli, I just... Gimli, no-" Kili is cut off by Gimli sliding closer and wrapping his arms around him as he laughs into his shoulder. For a few moments Kili struggles against him but eventually he concedes to his cousins’ greater size and strength and lets out a defeated huff and leans his head against Gimli’s abundance of red hair.

"Feel better yet?"

"I am cured."

"Could do without the sarcasm, ass wipe." He feels Gimli’s shoulder shake as he laughs and releases him with a grin. "See, you're laughing."

"You're a moron."

"A moron who made you laugh."

"I'm laughing at you, not with you."

"Still counts." Gimli smirks and Kili lets go of him, leaning back on the couch. “So why didn’t you bring your mom any pictures of the boyfriend, dear cousin?”

Kili groans and falls face first into the arm of the couch. “Shut up.”

Gimli’s deep laugh follows him as he leaves the room to find his aunt and complain with her about Kili’s insensitivity in not bringing pictures of his boyfriend.

 

****

 

Kili sends a text to Ori before he has even pulled out of his parents driveway.

CODE RED – ANSWER YOUR PHONE Kili grabs his phone and presses the call button as soon as his car pulls on the interstate. Thank god for hands free cause Kili needs his hands to talk, or in this case, yell at Ori.

"How was your weekend?" Ori said as soon as he picks up and Kili can almost hear his smirk.

"That is not what code red means, you asshole."

"I know.”

"Right, so I have spent the entire weekend being harassed by my mom for not bringing pictures of the boyfriend that you told her I have-"

"You didn’t take her any pictures?"

"Ori."

"I'm sorry, go on."

"Anyway, why did you tell everyone that I have a boyfriend?"

"Encouragement."

"Yeah. I’m real encouraged right now. Encouraged to kick your as-"

"I’m really scared right now. Hold on, I need to get some tissues for when I start to cry."

"You are really such an-!"

"You like Fili but you won’t approach him unless you are harassed into it. Don’t even try to deny it, Kili."

“Who the hell is Fili?”

“You know perfectly well who Fili is, even if you didn’t know his name before now.”

"His name is not the point here, Ori. The point is that you shouldn’t have told everyone who ever met me that I have a boyfriend! I haven’t had a moments peace since you did!"

"You make it sound so horrible."

"It is horrible!"

"Okay, Kili, you need to pay close attention because I am about to give you some advice."

"You make it sound like you don’t tell me what to do on a regular basis."

"Well, this time you are going to listen! Now, have you considered that maybe the reason you're so annoyed at everyone you know being excited that you have a boyfriend is because you haven’t had one in so very many long and lonely years?"

"No."

"Well it is! It’s way past time for you to start dating again, Kili. You can’t let insecurities caused by one bad relationship to turn you into a monk."

"It’s not like tha-."

"Kili, I swear to god if you interrupt again I will punch you in the dick as soon as I see you again. All any of us are trying to do is encourage you by showing you how happy we are that you are dating again. Even if you’re really not dating yet cause I just said you were. In an attempt to get you to pull your head out of your ass and ask him out!”

“I don’t even know if he is gay though.”

“That is why you ask him, Kili.”

"Okay, maybe you're right."

"Wow, really?"

"No."

"Why do you even call me if you aren’t going to listen to anything I say?"

“Because I didn’t call you to listen to you, I called you to tell you to stop lying to everyone I know about my dating life and thereby making my life more miserable than it needs to be.”

“Fine.”

“Fine.”

"Love you, sweetie."

"Don't try and sweet talk me, Ori."

"Even though I know how you love it when I do?"

“Goodbye, Ori.”

 

****

 

It has been ten days since Ori started the latest round of craziness in Kili’s life. Ten days of his friends and family asking about the boyfriend he doesn’t have. Ten days of people he knows but rarely speaks to giving him a grin and a thumbs-up in the hallways and around campus. Ten days of ducking around corners and checking the hallways for a certain blue-eyed, blond before Kili feels like he can walk out in the open.

_What a nightmare_.

Now it’s Wednesday, British Lit study group day, and Kili has very nearly worked himself into a panic attack while still in his own dorm room.

“Relax, it’s just a study group.” Kili’s roommate feels the need to inform him as he paces in front of his closet. “I’m pretty sure you could show up in pajamas and no one would even notice.”

Bard has been the only one of Kili’s close circle to not tease him about the blond – _Fili_. It is entirely possible that he doesn’t know about him though. Ori gets uncharacteristically tongue-tied around Bard which Kili has enjoyed immensely on numerous occasions in the past.

Kili is determined to make it through the night without blushing, passing out, or getting an inappropriate erection – or, god forbid, all three at the same time – even though he has no idea how to accomplish this goal. He is actually considering tossing himself down the stairs to avoid the whole thing when Ori texts him that he is downstairs waiting.

When Kili reaches the sidewalk and Ori, he is nearly hyperventilating. His friend just sighs and mumbles something about drama queens as he walks towards the library. Yep, Kili’s support network is concrete.

“You have something on your face.” Ori says quietly.

“What is it? Get it off!” Kili whines.

“I’m not touching it.”

“Oh my god, is it gross? What is it?” Kili questions in outrage. “Ori! You ass, help me!”

“It’s on your cheek, just wipe it off.” Ori points out.

“Come on,” Kili groans as he wipes his entire face with his t-shirt, “there, is it gone?” he asks.

“You just spread it around more.” Ori shrugs.

“What? What is it?!” Kili turns to look at his reflection in the window of the building they are passing and sees absolutely nothing on his face. “Ori!” he growls. Ori burst out laughing and earns a shove off the sidewalk by an unamused Kili “Very funny. I’m laughing so hard right now.” Kili says.

He won’t admit it to Ori but he feels better, even if Ori’s idea of a lame joke is at his own expense.

 

****

 

The study group goes surprisingly well for Kili. He doesn’t blush too much, he doesn’t pass out at all, and he has no erections whatsoever. Ori even behaves himself and doesn’t do a single thing to draw attention to Kili or embarrass him in any way. All in all, it seems like a total win. Until Fili catches up to him as he is leaving.

“Hi, Kili right?” The blond asks with a soft smile.

Thankfully, Ori has mercy on him and gives Kili a sharp nudge to the ribs as he walks pass effectively pulling Kili out of the dopey stare he had aimed at the blond. “Uh…Uh, yeah.” At this point Kili is pleased that he can nod his head without hurting himself.

“Great, I’m Fili,” the blond continues seemingly without notice of Kili’s inner turmoil, “we have a couple of classes together and I’ve seen you around campus quite a bit.”

“Uh…yeah, I’ve a…I mean, I’ve seen you around a lot too.”

Kili manages a small smile in the face of Fili’s smile and feels like a complete dumbass. He doesn’t get to berate himself internally though because what Fili says next completely stops his brain from functioning.

“Go out with me.”

“Huh? Are…You mean…What?

“Go out with me. On a date.” Fili repeats and clarifies before asking, “Please?”

And Kili is wholly unprepared for this or any variation of it. There is no possible scenario in his head that resulted in Fili asking him out on a date. He can barely get words out of his mouth in order to respond.

“O-Okay.” He manages to stammer. He feels a moment of pride that he hasn’t passed out when Fili smiles and it is like the sun is shining even though it is nearly midnight. Kili is in so much more trouble than he ever could have guessed because _dimples_! so he is fortunate that Fili takes his phone and enters his contact information for him as well as sending himself a text so that the blond now has Kili’s number before handing the phone back.

“Great! How about on Saturday?” Kili can only nod as he somehow manages to shove his phone successfully in the back pocket of his jeans. “I’ll text you about a time later in the week then. Goodnight, Kili.”

Kili is unable to respond with anything more than a nod and what he hopes is a smile. In fact, he is unable to move until Ori returns to take his arm and lead him back to his dorm room.

“I’m going to be a fantastic friend and wait until after your first date before I say ‘I TOLD YOU SO, JACKASS!!'” Ori screams loud enough for the entire campus to hear. Kili doesn’t do anything but smile cause yeah, his friends are all assholes but at least they are his friends.


End file.
